Friday, February 21, 2014

Babies

This morning (or a few days ago, depending on when I decide to post this), I got to spend a blessed hour watching the couple-months-old daughter of a good friend.

I held her swaddled body close while swaying back and forth. It all came back. Those motions and the soft murmurings (not really saying anything at all, just letting that beautiful baby know you're there) that happened so naturally when my two were new came back in a rush while cradling this perfect little girl. She fussed a bit and I rolled her over so she was facing the floor as I patted her back. She sucked her pacifier for all it was worth until her whole body relaxed into sleep. Turning her just slightly so I could see her delicate (tiny!) features I was so grateful for the opportunity to hold her for those precious moments. It felt so familiar and yet so distant. Distant from my life of independent, active, wiggly, outspoken toddlers. 

And then I felt a little robbed.

Because I should be able to have as many of those perfect babies as I darn well wanted to.

Cancer is a jerk. The worst kind of jerk. 

7 comments:

Mom Walton said...

Babies do have a special sweetness that one always mourns the loss of. I know I did when we were limited due to medical concerns. So sorry for you and Adam. Wish we could take away your pain.

brittney perry said...

:( I'm so sorry, Bonnie.

Rachel said...

Cancer IS a jerk. Boo.

Dad Walton said...

My heart goes out to you. I caught a glimpse of your pain in this regard when I was visiting you and wished life were different for you.

Jean said...

So sorry, Bonnie.

ashley mikell said...

This makes me want to punch cancer in the face. And I don't do that sort of thing. But really, I'm so sorry.

Emily Hickok said...

No joke. After having anotjet baby ( on this same day actually) my heart especially aches for you. I'm praying for ya.