Saturday, June 28, 2014

What to do when: You have terminal cancer

You make a plan.

Ours is to go home. We have loved our time in Indiana and we will sorely miss the friends we have made here, but our priorities have shifted. We need to be at home, with our families, treasuring the time we have left - however long it is.

So, in the middle of cancer treatments, goodbye lunches, and normal life, we are packing up our house so it can be rented out, and getting ready to drive across the country. With a two-year-old and a four-year-old.
On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea...

Friday, June 27, 2014


On Friday, June 13th (our 6th anniversary (Go, us!), and my little sister's 21st birthday (Go, Laura!)), I called my oncologist to see if he had the results from two MRI's I had gone in for earlier in the week. He hemmed and hawed and asked if I could come in on Monday to get the results, "Oh, and bring Adam."

That bodes well, right?

The weekend was spent doing mental "worse-case-scenario" exercises, all while trying to distract ourselves from those ever-darkening thoughts. We went bowling, had pizza, played at the park, and attended church.

Monday morning we showed up for our scheduled execution, or at least that's what it felt like. The news was, as expected, not good. The last year of radiation, chemo, surgery, more chemo, more radiation, and boatloads of various medications seems to have missed a couple of key areas: my spinal cord, and my brain.

As we left the doctor's office, the clouds opened in a heavy downpour, as if the world itself wept alongside us. My oncologist doesn't expect me to last even six more months. It could be as few as two or three.

We are so grateful for the people who have rallied around us during this difficult time. Our wonderful ward has lifted and strengthened us. Our families have sent prayers, love, and financial support, as well as offers to come help. We have basically canceled all future plans and as soon as possible we'll be heading back to Utah to spend time with family. A huge thank you to everyone who has helped us with meals, packing, childcare, emotional support, prayers, and thoughtful notes. We don't know what we would've done without you.

Monday, March 10, 2014

I'm not as smart as my phone

Not too long ago, I hopped on the smart phone bandwagon. I have since realized that it's a dangerous device, but that's neither here nor there. I'm looking for some advice. I feel like I take more photos now, but I don't feel like they're great quality. I keep hearing about these photo apps and I'm just wondering what the point of those are. Are they like Instagram and add filters, but without the social aspect? Or are there apps that have more editing power? Do any of the apps improve the quality of pictures or help you have more control over exposure or shutter speed? Any recommendations? Snapchat a real thing that people in the real world do? Do you Snapchat? What on earth is the point?

Any recommendations of good/useful/entertaining apps (for me or the toddlers)?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Is this what normal feels like?

At some point during chemo I forgot what it feels like to feel good. Forget good, I couldn't remember what normal felt like. I would wake up and bury my head under the pillows because getting up just seemed way, way too hard. And then I started to assume that the way I felt every day was just normal, and that I would feel terrible, horrible, no good, very bad every morning for the rest of my life. The days stretched out in my mind like this eternal, beige-colored, no-end-in-sight, not actually going anywhere road that I had to walk. That's when the depression set in. I felt trapped in a sad, sick, tired body that couldn't do the things it needed to in order to help two amazing children feel loved.

Thankfully, chemo ended. And I woke up this morning thinking "Hey, getting out of bed isn't that bad." And then I got up and was a kind, loving, and fun mother to my kids all day long.

When the kids were asleep, I looked at Adam and said, "I BAMMED today."

Yes, this picture was taken today.

P.S. Remind me to tell you about the time I BAMMED the library.

Japanese kigurumi

I have an amazing friend named Jamie who sent me this (and a red panda one as well) for Christmas. It's amazing, everyone should get one. Bonnie out.

Monday, March 3, 2014


Today could have been one of those days. But it wasn't, which makes me happy.
Lydia screamed and cried about me handing her the breakfast she requested. The whole morning went down the tubes from that point on. After such an illustrious beginning, I anticipated her doctor's appointment being a nightmare, with more weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. But as soon as we dropped her brother off at the neighbor's house, Lydia regained her composure. The drive to the pediatrician's office was pleasant as we talked about what might happen there. Ever the chatterbox, Lydia enjoyed asking the nurses about every detail of their work. And after her painful shots ("Mama, that really hurt my legs!") a new book was just the ticket to return a smile to her face.
The rest of the day went smoothly, with no fits or tantrums, 3 naps for 3 tired people, and a lovely dinner followed by FHE with friends. I am so grateful that we made it through.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Super low quality, but super cute

Blurry, messy, and half-naked, but somehow still cute. Alternative caption: apparently they can play happily together for more than 15 seconds.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


"Keep on keeping on."

Most appropriate fortune cookie I've ever opened.