Wednesday, May 29, 2013

What to do when your life can be split into B.C. and A.C.

Cancer is odd because the things that it takes from you aren't things you have, they're things that you were going to have.
You lose your plans.
You lose your expectations.
Your future is different. Altered.
It's a series of losses that aren't really losses. But we still mourn.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right? But who hasn't planned how many children they want to have? We had. And now we are incredibly happy and blessed that we have two beautiful, healthy, happy, perfect children. And when Rafe grows out of his crib we will turn it into a toddler bed with no plans to turn it back. We don't need our baby clothes back from my sister. The extra stack of baby blankets in Lydia's closet should probably be given away. Our baby gate is obsolete. The jumper in our basement takes up too much space, so craigslist is probably a good option.

We will never have another baby. I will never be pregnant again. I will never have that natural birth. I will never nurse another infant. Our vision of a home filled with many happily homeschooled children has been tweaked slightly to hope for Lydia and Rafe to be best friends and for us to have lots of great family of four adventures. So that's the new dream.

10 comments:

Dad Walton said...

It is humbling, frustrating, and amazing what life throws at us. We continue to cheer for you.

Mom Walton said...

We love you and mourn for your lose also, and cheer for the fact that you have two beautiful and adorable children.

Mom Walton said...

sorry about the typo. I meant loss.

brittney said...

Bonnie. It amazes me that you have the presence of mind to talk about this with such grace. Thank you so much for sharing all this.

Anne Burnett said...

Tears for you, Bonnie. (You would tell me if you're getting annoyed by the fact that I comment on like, every post, right?)

Lauran and Dustin said...

It really isn't fair that you have always had the ability to catch emotion on a page, whereas I get lost in a motiff of pastische and cliche when I try to get serious through type. Although I feel like I have a lot to say due to how much I feel, I don't know how to comment on this. I love you, and I couldn't imagine two better children to enjoy life with--they are beautiful, Bons.

Katie said...

I love you, Bonnie.

jrae said...

Our hearts ache with you and Adam, Bonnie. Stealing your plans and hopes . . . especially for more little ones . . . does seem like one of the cruelest parts of cancer. Love and hugs to all of you.

karenbergmann said...

Bonnie, it's Jamie's mom. I couldn't help commenting on your beautiful soul and your gift to invite us in. Thank you for sharing. Your longings move me deeply. I love you. Karen

Kristine said...

I read this days ago and have thought about it so often since. You have such a gift with words and put your feelings down so eloquently--it has really stuck with me. I'm just so sorry Bonnie, and I love you. And I love your beautiful family!